Here's to You

Messiah College wasn’t my first choice, it wasn’t my second either.  Attending the school my father did, only fifteen minutes from my childhood home, was not on my list of plans, but then I visited just to see, and I haven’t wanted to leave ever since.  So here I am, four years later, a multitude of memories gathered and experiences shared, and I am told that I have to leave (because being a student forever is not economically responsible). I look back on this journey and I find it so bittersweet to leave the place I have learned to call home. 

            I remember the first night I arrived on campus, to that dorm room on the third floor of Witmer, as if it was yesterday. I can easily recall the walk from Hitchcock to Brubaker after saying goodbye to my parents, the nervous journey to Jordan/Kline with my peer group, and that first meeting on my floor.  If I had known then just how much my life would change, I may have been even more anxious than I was.  Instead, I giggled and joked my way through the first few days on campus, participating in everything I could and learning what it meant to live with others for the first time. That feeling of summer camp quickly faded though along with the warm summer weather. 

            Upon coming to Messiah I had a very naive view of what life would be like in a Christian College environment.  I was sure I would meet nice people, have the chance to live out my faith, and do a great deal of service.  What I never expected to find I did. My time here has been so much more than the things I once thought it would be.  Yes, I talked about the deeper life issues, I learned to struggle, to ask questions about my faith and to be pushed. After four years, I know I am who I have grown to be because I had professors, mentors, and advisers who cared enough about those questions to give me the space to answer them.

            Most of all, I found a place to belong.  Somewhere between August 28, 2008 and graduation, I realized that 1000 shared meals in lottie would make the best friends, that I would buy more Messiah tshirts than anyone needed, and that all that money and time I spent in the Union would make it more than just the student center by the time I left. Sometime between going to basketball games and actually having friends on the team, it came to matter and at some point Powerhouse was no longer just a weekly worship service; it was something I looked forward to. A chance to be alone with God while surrounded by my peers.

            People outside of the Messiah community would probably question my devotion to a place I came and went from for the last four years, but then again, those people don’t understand why I chose Messiah in the first place.  When I think about the people I have left I understand why this time is so bittersweet.  It finally makes sense why you have to take the goodbyes and the change in order to really appreciate what you ever had in the first place. 

            So here I am, having taken every last chance to make the most of my time.  I stayed up late, going on walks to the swinging bridge just because I could, visited Bakers more often than I should, and went to chapel consistently, because I understand that someday soon I wouldn't get the chance to do these things.  Yes, the people I have come to know and be loved by will still be a part of my life, of this I am completely sure, but never again will I have this experience.  My time at Messiah is such a shining example of why the college experience is not just about the academics, and the learning that happens is not always in the classroom. And it’s because of that I know I’ll be back.

The above photo is filled with the people who I will take with me everywhere I go because we all have people we could not imagine our lives without. These are some of mine.

If I had given a speech, if I had written something for the world to react to, or for our entire community to reflect upon, I bet it would be simple... "Hold tight to the ones you love and don't ever let go. Be the last to say goodbye, the first to initiate plans, and no matter what, be the friend you wish to have."

May 12, 2012. A week ago today, I graduated.

FINALLY part of me screams and yet, the other,
(a little more silent right now but just lingering under the surface), says "please don't forget about me"

For late night conversations… thank you.

For showing me what it means to be friends with a man again… thank you.

For long walks and talks about life… thank you.

For encouraging me to follow my dreams all the way to Indiana… thank you.

For loving me when I didn’t know how to love myself… thank you.

The people in this photo represent so much more than the good I will take with me from Messiah College, they represent all I learned about myself in the last four years. And yes, I am heartbroken to leave.  Even now typing this I know that I will see some of them in a week.  A few are on bikes riding back from the west coast and creating an adventure of their own. One is already married and others are going to be married by this time next year (some by this time in three months). One of them will be in Indiana with me (thank goodness!). A few live within twenty minutes, and others are over eight hours away.

While I write this, I cry. Not as much from sadness as from joy, because it will never be goodbye, not for us. This is just another “see you later” with maybe a bit more time in between our meeting.

So here’s to you. My beautiful, nurturing, impossible to forget friends. A week ago I held you and said I would miss you, and a week later, I know I always will.

Until we meet again…

The Year of Two 2's

People assume that as we get older, we also get wiser. That we do as Paul instructs and “throw off childish things,” things that hinder us, things that restrict and bind, the things that hold us back.  Sadly though, it seems that each year I find a number of things to keep me from breaking from the chains that keep me from living with freedom.

As I grow older the mistakes of the past are more daunting, the questions I have about the future are more apparent, and more and more the decisions I make weigh upon others…  

So here is to being 22 and living a life both glorifying to God and satisfying to my soul.

Hello to 2012 and to…

Traveling to Ireland

Graduating from Messiah College

Taking time for myself

Deciding on a grad school

Finding an apartment of my own

Writing because I find it life giving

Taking classes I am passionate about

Going on a road trip to Alaska

Saving my money

Working hard at my job

Blogging more

Encouraging others

Being the friend I want to have

Letting my inner creative being out

Doing the things I love, because I love them

Spending a week at the beach with my closest friends

Saying “no” when my heart is not in it

Accepting the invitation to go on that date…

More to come in 2012

Love and other Beautiful Things

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love. 

(it has taken me almost 22 years to even begin to comprehend the weight of this chapter...)

LOVE.

I spent 19 years afraid of it,
1 year convinced I'd found it,
another year running from anything that resembled it,
maybe this year I'll just live in it...

We love people differently, and sometimes we love the same person differently at different times. At some point, we learn that those we love most are the ones we sometimes let go, the ones we let decide for themselves if they love us as well, the ones we let walk away from our tears,
because we have to love them right.
This right kind of love, well it's unconditional. It isn't bothered by what he said he would do, or what she said that night she was really upset, it isn't worried about how silly it looks when it cheers for the other, and it doesn't think about what everyone else is saying. Instead it just is. It's there, whether it's across the street or 1,000 miles away. It is calm, it does not fear, it does not snap,
and it does not bend on one very simple thing...
it will never, ever, give up.

No, love is not always given the credit it deserves, and those who love the most often have the least power in a relationship. The one who loves deepest is usually the one who feels the most pain. The one who loves fully often knows what it means to feel the sting of betrayal sharpest.
In the words of a very wise mentor and friend of mine... "I think that's how Christ feels every time we choose something over Him. Every time we tell Him that He alone is not enough."

So... if you are loving unconditionally... consider yourself in very excellent company and keep on doing it.

HOPE.
He's a very fickle thing,
one minute he is the strongest emotion 

and the next you wonder where he has fled to...

I think hope deserves more credit than it gets. It is the simple thing that says when the electricity goes out suddenly, it will come back on, it is the hope that even after all these years maybe you'll still meet your prince charming in the back of the store looking at tea mugs, or that your Pappy will suddenly remember you again.

Hope. it keeps us moving when we think we can't go any farther, and hope... well it's the last to go.

So hang on to hope.
Even if it's only a very little flicker.
Even if the light is dim.

Hope against all hope. 

Faith.

It is the thing that makes us believe in the wind,

not because we see it,

but because we experience its existence so often
and we know without it, the leaves wouldn't blow. 

Faith. We need to have a bit more of it in ourselves. Oh yes, we believe that someone up there is taking care of things, we recognize there is no way we'd be as creative, or that the stars would look so bright, without something greater than ourselves... but we doubt just how wonderful we are in his sight. 

We are so unable to believe that just maybe that creator deeply cares for us.

We just cannot fathom that WE are capable of great things.

Well, that is faith. Believing. Not only in a God that seriously delights in us, but in the fact that we were created for so much more than this. We are talented, beautiful, intelligent, successful, wonderful, amazing beings,
and it's time we start living like we actually believe that.

Faith, Hope, and Love... find the joy in beautiful things.

Clint Eastwood Films and Lessons Learned

I have cried very deeply three times that I can recall. You know the cry, it’s more like a choking sound really than a cry. It’s hard to breath, you can’t see because your eyes are overwhelmed with tears, and your nose begins to run like you have a very bad case of the common cold. If you wear glasses like I do, this also means you have either had to take them off or clean them after you gained your composure back. It’s just not the best look, or the best feeling. It leads to puffy eyes, often for me my throat is sore after,
and I am left exhausted...

Three times I can recall crying like this.

Twice in my car.

Once during a very lonely walk back to my dorm room in late march.

But there is something sweet about Bridges of Madison County (if you haven't seen it, go rent it),
something redeeming about a love that was better off with its potential unrealized.
sometimes love is sweetest when it's kept perfect in our dreams...

What does unrequited love teach us?
(besides the very obvious fact that maybe we should be better protectors of our hearts?)

That pain you feel when you realize you’re so deeply in love with someone who does not feel the same about you… well that pain forces us to recognize that we are not in control, but that our hearts are so protectively held by someone much wiser than our fickle selves. When we too rashly give ourselves to something that was not meant to be, a prince that was never meant to be our significant other, there is something greater that holds us when we fall apart.

There are other lessons we learn in the process as well… we learn to be strong. We learn to guard our hearts with a bit more gusto than before. To be a bit wiser about whose feet we lay our souls at. And we learn that not all great men are going to be OUR man.
Most importantly though, this form of love, teaches us just how large our hearts are, the lesson screams just how much love we have to give for some very lucky recipients.  For me this meant I could put myself more fully into the friends and family I had neglected while I held on to hopes that would not be realized in the immediate future. It meant I could sing again, I could sit down and write without every thought being on my loneliness. It meant that my floor of beautiful women could have more attention, my academics which I love could excel (I got my scholarship back!), and most importantly, my relationship with Christ could blossom. No, those deep feelings don't just run away, we just learn to channel them into the proper ventricles.

And I think often like the stages of grief, moving past those feelings of wanting someone who doesn't want you (maybe they broke up with you, maybe you broke up with them, maybe they were just never yours to begin with...) can be very hard. You deny, you get angry, you plot revenge, you may be bitter for a while, you may pretend the situation never happened, whatever it is though, eventually you have to deal with it head on. Face to face, eventually that person, that situation, it comes back to us.
Well, I think there is a joy in that. There is a deep joy in facing down our demons. There is a pretty beautiful realization when one day you wake up and that Sara Evans song actually does correctly describe your life...

So, you "brush your teeth anyway" and you get ready, and you go to work or in my case classes, and before you know it, you're no longer bitter, you're no longer upset at the way things ended or the way they turned out, you're just okay. You're better than okay, you're great. And you just wanna thank whoever is up there, just gotta thank God for knowing that whatever was back there in your past... whelp, it just wasn't right. And maybe the next one won't be right either. Maybe the letters you're sending, or the texts, or the long conversations you're having won't mean a thing... but if that's the case, then you'll learn from that one too. And someday, when you least expect it... life just works out.
And that my friends, being content in that, now that is joy.

Something Simple

Pappy.

Joy...
It's an afternoon spent looking at John Deere tractors from the last century.

About 10 years ago my grandparents had a large sale/auction, and he sold off a great deal of his collection, however, only in a few short years he has gathered a smaller, albeit still amazing collection, much to my Nanny's chagrin! It was great to see, hang out with, wander around, and learn the history of his beautiful work. Hearing him talk about fixing up the tractors, dating back to 1938, takes me back to a lot of memories that happened on that farm and his energy surrounding the work makes him seem young again.

There is something to be said about a person's passions. After owning his own John Deere business for over thirty years, my Pappy could tell you anything you want to know about the company and it's models. It's the simple joy of doing what you love and doing it well.

If there is one person in my life I want to be like it would be him. The best man I've ever known.

Real Joy: Faith, even in times of unrest.

Tamar. Well, she was seven years younger than I am now when her story took place. Her first two husbands died within a year, her own father wanted to disown her, and she is one of five women mentioned in the linage of Jesus. One of those just doesn’t seem to belong?
Read Genesis 37-38 for the background and her story.

From the time Tamar was given to Er, Judah’s oldest son, until she was lifted up to her rightful place as a daughter of Judah, she waited, and waited… and waited. She was sent back to her father’s house and as a window, shamed her family, and worked as a servant. Still Tamar kept her strength. She could have easily spoken out against Judah and his clan. (The custom of the time both in Canaanite and Hebrew culture was simple, if a man’s wife was widowed, she became his wife.) She could have scorned him, she could have told the world of his dishonorable act while she was under the guise of temple prostitute. She did not. Instead she used the very little power she had as a woman in biblical times (without a husband or sons a woman was as good as dead), to do the will of God even though her own family worshiped Baal and the gods of gold and brass.

There are a number of lessons we can learn from Tamar’s story.
It is a story of joy even in the midst of trials.

First, often we wait. We are an impatient bunch. Rushing, filling our daily schedules with errands and jobs we must get done. And we are impatient, as our nature, when we face trials. Tamar teaches us that no matter how long we must cry out to God, we will continue to do just that with the patience and peace that comes from knowing eternity is not on the same schedule that we are on Earth.

Second, trust prevails. Tamar not only trusted in God, but she trusted in Judah as well. She trusted that the son of Jacob, the man who believed in the God of Abraham and Isaac, would not dishonor his promises even after falling away. Most importantly however, she trusted the Lord. She did not understand how to worship him, or even what he required when she entered Judah’s house as the wife of Er, but she grew to know and trust the Lord and cry out to him in times of despair.

Third, strength is a beautiful quality. I am sure this lesson does not need much explanation, more a reminder. Just as Tamar was, we are called to be strong and courageous in the name of God.
Her story holds just as true today as it did during her life.



So we wait. We do so without complaint, without bickering,
but with the joy of the Lord.
Knowing, that someday the wait will be worth it,
and in the mean time… we’ll enjoy the journey.



To read more of Tamar's story, read Francine River's Unveiled. The beautiful story of life, love, and redemption comes to life in her short novella about the first mentioned woman in the linage of Christ.

The Art of Snail Mail

Snail mail. Does anyone even write letters anymore?

10 Reasons I have received something in the mail...
10. i ordered something online
9. magazine
8. bills
7. credit card offers
6. those free return address labels from the most random of organizations
5. birthday cards from my 'more mature' relatives (when i'm lucky!)
4. church newsletter
3. local government informing me about jury duty
2. driver's license information
1. my personal favorite... those times when you DO get some nice "thinking of you" in the mail (ignore this for the sake of the post haha)

Besides the birthday cards and the church newsletter, lets face it, I had to ask for everything else. The days of sending 'I miss you' notes or 'get well soon' messages seem to be long gone. The magazine, I actually pay them to send me something maybe once a month, and lets face the facts... everything from jury duty to voter registration is just part of being a citizen.

My mom who is part of the CGWM at our church (Church of God Women's Ministry) is in charge of letter writing right now and when I saw the large bag of cards (all shapes, sizes, for different reasons and celebrations) I was amazed! They send letters to college students while they are away at school, they send notes of encouragement to shut ins from our community, in general the person in charge of all those cards takes the time to uplift others through thoughtful words.

Maybe we can all take a hint from my Mom's CGWM group, or maybe just return to the old fashion version of telling people we care...


I guess it's time to buy some stamps!

i love many things... here are some of them...
bell ringing for the salvation army. going jogging in the crazy wind that was tonight! my church family here at home. dancing. and loving every single one of my friends.
but really... its singing and using my voice to praise God.

i never realized just how much i missed singing until i came back to it after far too many months away. ah, the key of c is my friend haha!
so a good practice under my belt and i'm ready to sing Christmas Eve! :)

i realized how badly i need to find a good friend at school to jam with after today!


life throws curve balls! :)

"where there is light the darkness cannot be"
Doesn't our hope rest on that verse? That any bit of light, no matter how small or flickering... that ANY bit of light drives out darkness! Hallelujah!
There is darkness in this world, that is for sure, but there is also the beauty of a loving God who sent his son down to this Earth to save us from the eternity we deserve. Now that we've been blessed with this faith and salvation, should we not attempt to do everything we can to glorify the one who gave us even the very voice we use to praise Him? "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."(Matthew 15:14-16) Our talent abounds, so should our praise. Our riches compile, I would suggest that our giving does also. This doesn't mean we all should become worship leaders and write books and speak nationally about our faith, however, it does mean, that whatever our talents are, we should use them for the glory of the only kingdom that will forever remain. Whether is be an engineer, a cafe owner, a photographer, a math teacher, a musician, a doctor, a nurse, a French translator, a publicist, an editor, a classical piano performer, a dentist, a music teacher, a member of a prominent record label, a graphic designer, a government affairs director, part of our country's military personnel, a stay at home mom... that whatever it be, no matter how great or how small in the eyes of the world... that whatever we do, we do to the glory of the one who’s flame will never die. Because in the end, our riches on this earth, whether our name is remembered on some plaque or the pages of a history book, will not matter... however, the riches we store up in Heaven will never pass away.
May we remember this truth as we move ahead in our lives, determine a major, drive off to college, wherever that may be, and go about the rest of our days, that no matter what comes, the Lord is the Lord of all, and just as He holds the world in His hands, He also carries us when we can't even walk.
My prayer is that any light that is shown upon us that we would directly reflect that back to the one that deserves all praise, glory, and honor.


<3>The Lord has promised good to me, his word my hope secures. He will my shield, my portion be, as life endures. My chains are gone, I’ve been set free, my God my Savoir, has ransomed me, and like a flood, his mercy reigns, unending love, amazing gracethe earth shall soon desolve like snow, the sun forbear to shine, but God who called me hear below will be forever mine...